Hard day at work? You got up on the wrong side of the bed in the morning and feel that everything is against you? A difficult problem occurred and you don’t have a clue what you can do about it? You don’t agree with someone? And even more – you don’t agree with someone who is really important for you? And this is extremely sensitive issue? Different opinions? Emotions? Yelling!
When you are angry, frustrated, you usually want to “share” everything what bothers you. You want to be understood. Unfortunately the tone of your voice have huge impact on your interlocutor. He/she stops listening what you want to say. This tone changes priority. The most important part is not the message and information it brings, but the emotions. That’s why another person doesn’t understand you - starts to defend himself. And becomes aggressive.
Not only the tone, but also the need to be understood eliminates possibilities for engaging in a dialog. Closes for you the most powerful part of the communication – the listening part. When we don’t listen, we are going nowhere. We are not open for suggestions, advices, criticism or feedback. We are focused on ourselves, we hear only our inner voice and arguments. And what is the most dangerous part of it? We often take our own statements for granted.
And later we often find out that there were things that could be validated, improved, were partly true or that we were just wrong. But this unfortunately often takes place after the conversation has ended.
My wife asked me many times, when she saw me mad, angry, etc. why I’m not reacting immediately, what am I waiting for? Do those two minutes really make a difference? Yes, they let me to get back to rational thinking, it let me to think how huge impact emotions have on what I want to say. Those two minutes let me think twice. Let me remind what other person said, let me to listen him/her once again in my mind. Am I really referring to what was said? Or maybe I’m having a dialog only with myself in the presence of another person?
When you are yelling you are not focusing on the dialog. You are focused on anger. On frustration. You just want to throw everything what bothers you out. You are focusing on a problem, not a solution.
Don’t be like that. Calm down.
Don’t be driven by emotions.
Be driven by willingness to solve a real problem.
The real problem is not your anger, the real problem is a reason that stands behind it.
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